i am blown away....................in a good way..........

both of my daughters are so creative and talented........I am SO proud of them both and their accomplishments..........what strong women they have come out to be.............God, they are awesome in their own rites..............:)

wow, all the stuff going on in my head...................STOP ALREADY!!!................

I swear I'm going to have a breakdown over this...........it is certainly not something i want to happen, by any means.........................erin says she wonders where I get this shit about her being embarrassed of me..........well, let me see, how 'bout a HUGE Lack Of COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People are tired of being the "middle men" ................what about email????or text???????  and why not??????  ITS BEEN 10 FUCKING YEARS SINCE I HAVE SEEN OR TALKED TO THEM, except for the one time I did call her at work when I was worried about the flood, and I really, honest to God, did not want to call her at work, but I had no other way of communication!!!!!!!!!! what the fuck?????   wow, I called once in 10 years............I am such a bitch.......................how fucking DARE i do that....................today, when she came to the door, she said I was inappropriate by just being there, at her door..............I just gave her the card............................and what does she do, still going thru the middleman, she calls sheryl and tried to say that my mom and her told me where she lives, which is not true, at all............sometimes, I've driven around town, since I've been here, and just drove by old neighborhoods and soaked in memories, good and bad................and I saw erin on one of those days.............going up her driveway and into her house...............damn me!!!!!  oh man, my head is just spinning with all these emotions...............and I cannot talk to my sister or mother about any of it..........listeners they aren't..............I had to learn how to listen to be on the warmline and it made me realize just how bad of a listener I was with my kids.........drug addiction has a way of doing that............it's not an excuse by any means, it's just the way it was.............unfortunately.................communication........its such a key element in any relationship , so when there is no communication you get this crazy making shit that happens, questions left unasked, things left unsaid and amends to try and be made, and then the rejection.........omg, it sits like a sharp knife twisting around in my gut.......no blood or mess, just the twisting pain churning around............and a gaping hole...............there's a hole in my heart where my kids should be..............and i just......seriously.......i don't know how much more of this i can deal with, I grieve.......all the fucking time!!  even when i am doing well and at work being busy, I  grieve........deep down inside, always.................I can put on a good front when i have to, like being at work and being around people, in general............i always have that feeling inside and have had it ongoing, for the past ten years................I feel like shit.......after going thru all the therapy groups and everything and working my hardest at being the best i can be, i learned alot about myself, some good, some bad, some disappointments.....................i'm so afraid of never seeing my girls ever again....................THAT is one of my greatest fears.....................i tried to email connie, i want to send her some money for her trip and where could i wire it to her............haven't heard anything.....................and i fear that I won't, or worse, ...................i love them both so much that it literally and figuratively, hurts.....................................i don't want these feelings anymore...................this kind of pain goes deep, thru the soul and deeper..........and i've been dealing with it for so damn long.............I'm getting tired.....and I do have a plan to cure it...............i just want some peace with them, a relationship with them..............a chance to say how fucking sorry i am that i wasn't a better mom and a chance to try again, because i have never stopped loving them..............

the Singer

wow! my oldest daughter, erin won the finals for the Prescott Idol 2011!!  she lied to us and said she wasn't going to do it........I wish I could have been there.........I am so proud of her!!!!! and yet my heart breaks because I am not allowed to be a part of her life................she looks so beautiful and wow! what a voice!!!!  I've been crying for 2 days, with a mix of emotions..........happiness, deep hurt, pride, deep hurt.
I have not seen her or connie for 10 years..............have to go right now,...........

my own personal heartbreak

i have 2 daughters.  I don't know what they are like anymore, I haven't seen them for 10 years. not by my choice, but theirs.  at this moment, i am in Arizona, been here since the end of April after i had my back surgery. I had been hoping to come here and be able to see erin, but she keeps blowing me off.   I can't handle it, it makes me SO SAD!!!!!!  I wrote to connie, I wanted to send her some money for her trip to Portland, but she hasn't answered.  I have so many emotions about this:  anger, hurt, resentment, loss, rejection.  when people ask me if i have children, what do I say??????  I don't even know my own children anymore. Do they hate me because i'm bipolar and was undiagnosed for so long?????  Yes, i smacked them when they deserved it, but i didn't BEAT them. My whole life was about trying to make ends meet and take care of them, I had to work alot to do that.  I quit doing meth 20 years ago and was only diagnosed with Bipolar disorder about 9 or 10 years ago. Since that time I have been working hard to really straighten out my life so I could be good for me and my daughters.  When I got really sick, they abandond me.  I was in so much physical pain and couldn't move around alot,  was also diagnosed with reactive arthritis,VERY painful.  My children were not understanding at all.  they didn't care then, and they don't care now.  Yes, I could have been a better mother, I won't deny that. I was just trying to do the best I could at the time.  And now, here I am, alone.........my kids hate me..........my life is pretty straightened out, I work for the county and I go up to the unit and talk to people about recovery, I counsel peers, I'm respected...............finally made it and now i almost feel like it was all for nothing............i feel like i just want to lie down and close my eyes and never wake up again............God, I love my daughters so damn much!!!!!  I feel like I'm walking around with a knife in my gut and it just keeps twisting around...........and I feel like that's what my kids want me to feel, forever..........well, job done.  Erin certainly didn't refuse the money I gave her and she wrote me a very short, impersonal thank you note.
How the hell do i deal with this?????   all i know is, i have made my amends, what more can i do??????seriously, what????????  I want to take my girls out to lunch, go shopping, have dinner together, watch a movie or something............and I just seriously feel like I just want to not be here anymore on this earth, without them.....................to know that they hate me so much is just too much.......and i don't  even know WHY????????????????   I saw erin start to come in the Hut with Cathy, of ALL people!!!! so, all i can assume is that she and Cathy are thick, which totally rips and tears at me. Cathy blames me for her going to jail and I DID NOT DO IT...............I hate Cathy, she's a fucking manipulative bitch and now she has MY daughter in her claws................Prescott is the same ol fucking thing......I hate this place.........I love living on the northcoast, I have a real life up there..................and it doesn;t get so HOT there, either......this heat makes me ill, seriously........I get nauseous..............well, i need to go for now, my eyes are welling up and i can't write anymore................

inside my head

so okay, time to update this thing........right at the moment the east coast is braceing for hurricane Irene, yesterday the storm was 800 miles across!!!  damn!  they are calling it a possible 100 year event, that's scarey..........Amy Winehouse died peacefully, in her sleep at her Camden home.........no drugs in her system.........she also suffered from an eating disorder............has had bad health...........has been clean from drugs for 3 years, was fighting her demon, alcohol...........so, in that vein, i think her body just couldn't take any more...........it's part of recovery, it's the chance you take when you become an addict........i'm still here, in prescott, leaving next month...........i had really hoped to re-unite with my daughter that's here, but she keeps telling my mom she's not ready to see me..............i feel like she's just blowing me off and hoping that i go away quietly...................i had hoped that we could all come together and get mom's house put together, so they have actual rooms to sit in and visit with people, but that's not going to happen............so, i'm trying to fight depression right now...........as it is, i don't go anywhere, i stay in this fucking room all the time and i can't take it, but there's nowhere to go and no one i really want to talk to, except for erin.............i can't wait to go back home and go to work................this whole situation just makes me feel, physically, ill........sick to my stomach...........

The`Casey Anthony Trauma............I mean trial..............

I'm really sad at the reaction most of the public has had, over the Casey Anthony deal; bloodthirsty, unwilling to keep an open mind, ....unwilling to consider some compassion in this whole case........hey, i don't know anything, I have been following this whole thing since day one, thanks to the ungracious Nancy Grace. At first, i really thought she was guilty, but now, after listening to everything all these years, and NOT just miss nancyg., i listened to independent news sources also, but MOST of all I kept an open mind.  Now......I am a trauma survivor, myself.......but all I know is, nobody reacts to things in the same way, so i can't predict how someone "should" react  to what happened to me..........i can talk about things now, they can't traumatize me anymore, unless I let them..............UNLESS I LET THEM, key words there.............people cope in so many different ways..........all around the world.............I'd say EVERYONE over in the middle east has some form of PTSD, for God's sakes.......how could they not?
But I digress; back to Casey..........
My heart aches for ALL of them, even George although I believe he's got a hand in this thing, somewhere, like Jose Baez said.  My humble opinion is this:  if George was molesting Casey, he might have been molesting Caylee........lets not forget, she was old enough to go tell  someone.........or maybe it's just, actually the accidental drowning and everyone freaked out, all Casey had to do was keep the lies going because she didn't even soak in the fact that the baby was deceased and George said he'd take care of it, but wants no part of it, after the fact..........way too much 'REACTION' from old George and his sarcastic comments he made while on the stand, he tried to monologue about what a 'Good Guy" he is..........comforting another, yeah, right George............very combative for someone who has nothing to hide..........not ONE time, did I see that man squeeze out a real tear!!!  seriously, i mean it........so, i guess the next thing to look forward to is taking a pool of bets on when Cindy and George anthony will get a divorce............my humble opinion is this, about Cindy; no doubt, she loves her daughter........but Casey needs time to get herself together before she feels safe enough and confident enough to be mom&daughter again...................it will take ALOT of work, on both parts.....and I am really pleased that Jose and cheney and the rest are getting Casey the proper help that she will need.........because they UNDERSTAND..............and so do i..........i'll have more to say on this one, later.............i must find sustenance now

ups and downs ins and outs..........friends w/benefits? Is it worth it?????

Here I go, exposing my life to the world.........why, you might ask?   because its easier to sort things out, when the eyes of others read my words and  respond with their thoughts............things DO get out of control sometimes, in my world......but never violently, not anymore, anyways...........not for a long, long time..............I'm supposed to be old enough to know better...................I love my friends..........I'm pretty loyal.........I have one friend ive known for over 20 years and I thought we really cared about each other............weve been thru alot together and weve hooked up off and on over the years..........I love his daughter and grandkids so much, as if they were my own.................all these years being best friends and all, you might think this would be a story with a happy ending.....................it turns out that I have actually been his "booty call" all these years and it has meant nothing, nada, zilch......................i'm done for good...........if i mean that little, then there was nothing there to begin with...................and that just devastates me...........i really tried hard to  help him out............well, this new woman doesn't know what she's getting in to.............it won't last, never does..................but i miss the fun and joking around, poking each other with sticks and antennas...........never again, NEVER...............hope he has a nice life.......................