I swear I'm going to have a breakdown over this...........it is certainly not something i want to happen, by any means.........................erin says she wonders where I get this shit about her being embarrassed of me..........well, let me see, how 'bout a HUGE Lack Of COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People are tired of being the "middle men" ................what about email????or text??????? and why not?????? ITS BEEN 10 FUCKING YEARS SINCE I HAVE SEEN OR TALKED TO THEM, except for the one time I did call her at work when I was worried about the flood, and I really, honest to God, did not want to call her at work, but I had no other way of communication!!!!!!!!!! what the fuck????? wow, I called once in 10 years............I am such a bitch.......................how fucking DARE i do that....................today, when she came to the door, she said I was inappropriate by just being there, at her door..............I just gave her the card............................and what does she do, still going thru the middleman, she calls sheryl and tried to say that my mom and her told me where she lives, which is not true, at all............sometimes, I've driven around town, since I've been here, and just drove by old neighborhoods and soaked in memories, good and bad................and I saw erin on one of those days.............going up her driveway and into her house...............damn me!!!!! oh man, my head is just spinning with all these emotions...............and I cannot talk to my sister or mother about any of it..........listeners they aren't..............I had to learn how to listen to be on the warmline and it made me realize just how bad of a listener I was with my kids.........drug addiction has a way of doing that............it's not an excuse by any means, it's just the way it was.............unfortunately.................communication........its such a key element in any relationship , so when there is no communication you get this crazy making shit that happens, questions left unasked, things left unsaid and amends to try and be made, and then the rejection.........omg, it sits like a sharp knife twisting around in my gut.......no blood or mess, just the twisting pain churning around............and a gaping hole...............there's a hole in my heart where my kids should be..............and i just......seriously.......i don't know how much more of this i can deal with, I grieve.......all the fucking time!! even when i am doing well and at work being busy, I grieve........deep down inside, always.................I can put on a good front when i have to, like being at work and being around people, in general............i always have that feeling inside and have had it ongoing, for the past ten years................I feel like shit.......after going thru all the therapy groups and everything and working my hardest at being the best i can be, i learned alot about myself, some good, some bad, some disappointments.....................i'm so afraid of never seeing my girls ever again....................THAT is one of my greatest fears.....................i tried to email connie, i want to send her some money for her trip and where could i wire it to her............haven't heard anything.....................and i fear that I won't, or worse, ...................i love them both so much that it literally and figuratively, hurts.....................................i don't want these feelings anymore...................this kind of pain goes deep, thru the soul and deeper..........and i've been dealing with it for so damn long.............I'm getting tired.....and I do have a plan to cure it...............i just want some peace with them, a relationship with them..............a chance to say how fucking sorry i am that i wasn't a better mom and a chance to try again, because i have never stopped loving them..............
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