i have 2 daughters. I don't know what they are like anymore, I haven't seen them for 10 years. not by my choice, but theirs. at this moment, i am in Arizona, been here since the end of April after i had my back surgery. I had been hoping to come here and be able to see erin, but she keeps blowing me off. I can't handle it, it makes me SO SAD!!!!!! I wrote to connie, I wanted to send her some money for her trip to Portland, but she hasn't answered. I have so many emotions about this: anger, hurt, resentment, loss, rejection. when people ask me if i have children, what do I say?????? I don't even know my own children anymore. Do they hate me because i'm bipolar and was undiagnosed for so long????? Yes, i smacked them when they deserved it, but i didn't BEAT them. My whole life was about trying to make ends meet and take care of them, I had to work alot to do that. I quit doing meth 20 years ago and was only diagnosed with Bipolar disorder about 9 or 10 years ago. Since that time I have been working hard to really straighten out my life so I could be good for me and my daughters. When I got really sick, they abandond me. I was in so much physical pain and couldn't move around alot, was also diagnosed with reactive arthritis,VERY painful. My children were not understanding at all. they didn't care then, and they don't care now. Yes, I could have been a better mother, I won't deny that. I was just trying to do the best I could at the time. And now, here I am, alone.........my kids hate me..........my life is pretty straightened out, I work for the county and I go up to the unit and talk to people about recovery, I counsel peers, I'm respected...............finally made it and now i almost feel like it was all for nothing............i feel like i just want to lie down and close my eyes and never wake up again............God, I love my daughters so damn much!!!!! I feel like I'm walking around with a knife in my gut and it just keeps twisting around...........and I feel like that's what my kids want me to feel, forever..........well, job done. Erin certainly didn't refuse the money I gave her and she wrote me a very short, impersonal thank you note.
How the hell do i deal with this????? all i know is, i have made my amends, what more can i do??????seriously, what???????? I want to take my girls out to lunch, go shopping, have dinner together, watch a movie or something............and I just seriously feel like I just want to not be here anymore on this earth, without them.....................to know that they hate me so much is just too much.......and i don't even know WHY???????????????? I saw erin start to come in the Hut with Cathy, of ALL people!!!! so, all i can assume is that she and Cathy are thick, which totally rips and tears at me. Cathy blames me for her going to jail and I DID NOT DO IT...............I hate Cathy, she's a fucking manipulative bitch and now she has MY daughter in her claws................Prescott is the same ol fucking thing......I hate this place.........I love living on the northcoast, I have a real life up there..................and it doesn;t get so HOT there, either......this heat makes me ill, seriously........I get nauseous..............well, i need to go for now, my eyes are welling up and i can't write anymore................
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