wow, all the stuff going on in my head...................STOP ALREADY!!!................

I swear I'm going to have a breakdown over this...........it is certainly not something i want to happen, by any means.........................erin says she wonders where I get this shit about her being embarrassed of me..........well, let me see, how 'bout a HUGE Lack Of COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People are tired of being the "middle men" ................what about email????or text???????  and why not??????  ITS BEEN 10 FUCKING YEARS SINCE I HAVE SEEN OR TALKED TO THEM, except for the one time I did call her at work when I was worried about the flood, and I really, honest to God, did not want to call her at work, but I had no other way of communication!!!!!!!!!! what the fuck?????   wow, I called once in 10 years............I am such a bitch.......................how fucking DARE i do that....................today, when she came to the door, she said I was inappropriate by just being there, at her door..............I just gave her the card............................and what does she do, still going thru the middleman, she calls sheryl and tried to say that my mom and her told me where she lives, which is not true, at all............sometimes, I've driven around town, since I've been here, and just drove by old neighborhoods and soaked in memories, good and bad................and I saw erin on one of those days.............going up her driveway and into her house...............damn me!!!!!  oh man, my head is just spinning with all these emotions...............and I cannot talk to my sister or mother about any of it..........listeners they aren't..............I had to learn how to listen to be on the warmline and it made me realize just how bad of a listener I was with my kids.........drug addiction has a way of doing that............it's not an excuse by any means, it's just the way it was.............unfortunately.................communication........its such a key element in any relationship , so when there is no communication you get this crazy making shit that happens, questions left unasked, things left unsaid and amends to try and be made, and then the rejection.........omg, it sits like a sharp knife twisting around in my gut.......no blood or mess, just the twisting pain churning around............and a gaping hole...............there's a hole in my heart where my kids should be..............and i just......seriously.......i don't know how much more of this i can deal with, I grieve.......all the fucking time!!  even when i am doing well and at work being busy, I  grieve........deep down inside, always.................I can put on a good front when i have to, like being at work and being around people, in general............i always have that feeling inside and have had it ongoing, for the past ten years................I feel like shit.......after going thru all the therapy groups and everything and working my hardest at being the best i can be, i learned alot about myself, some good, some bad, some disappointments.....................i'm so afraid of never seeing my girls ever again....................THAT is one of my greatest fears.....................i tried to email connie, i want to send her some money for her trip and where could i wire it to her............haven't heard anything.....................and i fear that I won't, or worse, ...................i love them both so much that it literally and figuratively, hurts.....................................i don't want these feelings anymore...................this kind of pain goes deep, thru the soul and deeper..........and i've been dealing with it for so damn long.............I'm getting tired.....and I do have a plan to cure it...............i just want some peace with them, a relationship with them..............a chance to say how fucking sorry i am that i wasn't a better mom and a chance to try again, because i have never stopped loving them..............

the Singer

wow! my oldest daughter, erin won the finals for the Prescott Idol 2011!!  she lied to us and said she wasn't going to do it........I wish I could have been there.........I am so proud of her!!!!! and yet my heart breaks because I am not allowed to be a part of her life................she looks so beautiful and wow! what a voice!!!!  I've been crying for 2 days, with a mix of emotions..........happiness, deep hurt, pride, deep hurt.
I have not seen her or connie for 10 years..............have to go right now,...........

my own personal heartbreak

i have 2 daughters.  I don't know what they are like anymore, I haven't seen them for 10 years. not by my choice, but theirs.  at this moment, i am in Arizona, been here since the end of April after i had my back surgery. I had been hoping to come here and be able to see erin, but she keeps blowing me off.   I can't handle it, it makes me SO SAD!!!!!!  I wrote to connie, I wanted to send her some money for her trip to Portland, but she hasn't answered.  I have so many emotions about this:  anger, hurt, resentment, loss, rejection.  when people ask me if i have children, what do I say??????  I don't even know my own children anymore. Do they hate me because i'm bipolar and was undiagnosed for so long?????  Yes, i smacked them when they deserved it, but i didn't BEAT them. My whole life was about trying to make ends meet and take care of them, I had to work alot to do that.  I quit doing meth 20 years ago and was only diagnosed with Bipolar disorder about 9 or 10 years ago. Since that time I have been working hard to really straighten out my life so I could be good for me and my daughters.  When I got really sick, they abandond me.  I was in so much physical pain and couldn't move around alot,  was also diagnosed with reactive arthritis,VERY painful.  My children were not understanding at all.  they didn't care then, and they don't care now.  Yes, I could have been a better mother, I won't deny that. I was just trying to do the best I could at the time.  And now, here I am, alone.........my kids hate me..........my life is pretty straightened out, I work for the county and I go up to the unit and talk to people about recovery, I counsel peers, I'm respected...............finally made it and now i almost feel like it was all for nothing............i feel like i just want to lie down and close my eyes and never wake up again............God, I love my daughters so damn much!!!!!  I feel like I'm walking around with a knife in my gut and it just keeps twisting around...........and I feel like that's what my kids want me to feel, forever..........well, job done.  Erin certainly didn't refuse the money I gave her and she wrote me a very short, impersonal thank you note.
How the hell do i deal with this?????   all i know is, i have made my amends, what more can i do??????seriously, what????????  I want to take my girls out to lunch, go shopping, have dinner together, watch a movie or something............and I just seriously feel like I just want to not be here anymore on this earth, without them.....................to know that they hate me so much is just too much.......and i don't  even know WHY????????????????   I saw erin start to come in the Hut with Cathy, of ALL people!!!! so, all i can assume is that she and Cathy are thick, which totally rips and tears at me. Cathy blames me for her going to jail and I DID NOT DO IT...............I hate Cathy, she's a fucking manipulative bitch and now she has MY daughter in her claws................Prescott is the same ol fucking thing......I hate this place.........I love living on the northcoast, I have a real life up there..................and it doesn;t get so HOT there, either......this heat makes me ill, seriously........I get nauseous..............well, i need to go for now, my eyes are welling up and i can't write anymore................