Revelations

I've been thinking alot, these days............reflecting, understanding, fitting pieces together as best I can........right now this song called "Running Out" by Juliana Hatfield is playing...........ironic..........anyways, I've been thinking about life and how it was, how it got, and how we end up where we are right now and then, where do we go from where we are?  or do we go anywhere?   I pray.......I'm learning to pray about everything...........It DOES work.........i'm still learning to have the patience that you need to have along with that...........I'm just tired, physically and mentally............and I need to regenerate............some respite...........man, a vacation would be awesome...........ashland, medford, somewhere up along the coast for a few days would be awesome, just to get away..........i need to get the hell out of this house, but at least I can deal with this for a little bit...........I need my own place and Persephone needs to be able to be free in our own place...........that's all there is to it.............I slept all day today, I was so exhausted.........this job takes alot out of people...........it's the nature of the beast thing.............i promised to go see ruby and erin j. and the kids tonight, but i am still so tired............it was a hard week.............i have also been doing EMDR therapy and she showed me how to do it by myself, so I have been doing that, too........at work I go up on the PES unit and talk to people, see how they're doing, share my own experience strength and hope  and offer support at the Hope Center.  I go into the locked unit, too and see how folks are doing and where they're at and touch base with them just before discharge.  This kind of work can be traumatizing to the workers, it is! who am i trying to kid? right?   i love to be of service, though............

oh man...........

and so, things were getting better, Tim and his wife Nellanne, offered to take me in and I graciously accepted............Nellanne was such an awesome woman, I really admired her........and one of the kindest women I've ever met; no judgement, just a very wise and kind woman who was so organized!!! and what a cook!  I wanted to learn from her and I really enjoyed talking with her.............about a week after i got back from Chico, she had a headache that just was not getting better.....Tim came home and took her to the e.r.......next thing you know they are flying her down to UCSF, she was already unconscious.............she had an aneurysm and it burst.............and that was it............one day she was here, laughing and talking.........and the next minute she was gone, forever..................I bawled my eyes out.........I only got to know her for about 3 or 4 months, but I was attatched.............she had even taken care of Persephone for me when i went to Chico........it was devastating to so many people on so many, many levels.............she was one of a kind...........

Trauma as "Normal"

and so, I am taking the journey, after all these years...........trauma just became my "normal" and I never knew the difference, until now.  Last night was kind of hard, I couldn't get to sleep..........i kept remembering things that happened to me in the '70s............how i had to sleep with that big scarey Indian guy because I was scared to death of him and what he would do if i refused.........marlin getting shot and that big scarey fucker climbing in the back of the car after he did it, telling us that if we ever breathed a word of it he would find us, he'd track us down to the ends of the earth and kill us..............he had been drinking whiskey all day..........i just wanted to get marlin to the hospital, thats why i went along...............he wasn't feeling well, we were going to take him to the er, but that fucker shot him..........why?   He said, "The fucker was snivveling, so I shot him."  I remember, we drove scarey guy to his prez's house so he could make arrangements to get away..........I remember hearing the shot, sitting in that volkswagon with Lydia and we just looked at each other, our eyes big as saucers............I remember hearing marlin's sister screaming.........."Oh my God, you shot him!!!!  Oh my God!!!!!!"..............after we left scarey guy, we went home and took the luggage rack off the bug and peeled every stinking one of the Harley stickers off of the car and washed it..........the police came, looking for scarey guy..........4 black and white police units surrounded the house and just busted in thru the front porch............and they knew my damn name!!!!!

good things happening

well, some good stuff is happening with work.....this weekend I'm taking 3 other folks and myself down to santa rosa for a NAMI training called in our own voice, and everyone will learn how to tell the story of their struggle and recovery without telling all the dirty traumatic details.............the more someone tells their story, the more healing it is.............we are going to another WRAP training with everyone we got trained with...........and  i think kellie will get to go this time and it will be good, we'll be able to find out what kinds of problems they are or aren't having trying to get WRAP going........i also am doing a bible study once a week, which is something i feel like i really need right now..............my spirit feels dry.................i've always like these beth moore studies, she's pretty funny.............my age is catching up to me too quickly and i'm starting to fall apart :)  my crunchy left shoulder with the cyst  that went back down...........same shoulder i fractured back in ......'05?  '06?   and trying to figure out how to get out of this situation without burdening anyone..................

death comes a knocking

okay, so 2 people i know have died this month, one a suicide, one not sure, and a total of about 8 suicides countywide.  i hate this, knowing that there wasn't a thing i could do..............the one we aren't sure about was hit by a pick-up truck and 3 other vehicles............just horrific..........sometimes i wish i had a mindless job, like back when i worked at the plastic factory....................life can change in a split second.....and change forever............i just hope nothing happens and i don't die before i get some quality time with my girls.........

i am blown away....................in a good way..........

both of my daughters are so creative and talented........I am SO proud of them both and their accomplishments..........what strong women they have come out to be.............God, they are awesome in their own rites..............:)

wow, all the stuff going on in my head...................STOP ALREADY!!!................

I swear I'm going to have a breakdown over this...........it is certainly not something i want to happen, by any means.........................erin says she wonders where I get this shit about her being embarrassed of me..........well, let me see, how 'bout a HUGE Lack Of COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People are tired of being the "middle men" ................what about email????or text???????  and why not??????  ITS BEEN 10 FUCKING YEARS SINCE I HAVE SEEN OR TALKED TO THEM, except for the one time I did call her at work when I was worried about the flood, and I really, honest to God, did not want to call her at work, but I had no other way of communication!!!!!!!!!! what the fuck?????   wow, I called once in 10 years............I am such a bitch.......................how fucking DARE i do that....................today, when she came to the door, she said I was inappropriate by just being there, at her door..............I just gave her the card............................and what does she do, still going thru the middleman, she calls sheryl and tried to say that my mom and her told me where she lives, which is not true, at all............sometimes, I've driven around town, since I've been here, and just drove by old neighborhoods and soaked in memories, good and bad................and I saw erin on one of those days.............going up her driveway and into her house...............damn me!!!!!  oh man, my head is just spinning with all these emotions...............and I cannot talk to my sister or mother about any of it..........listeners they aren't..............I had to learn how to listen to be on the warmline and it made me realize just how bad of a listener I was with my kids.........drug addiction has a way of doing that............it's not an excuse by any means, it's just the way it was.............unfortunately.................communication........its such a key element in any relationship , so when there is no communication you get this crazy making shit that happens, questions left unasked, things left unsaid and amends to try and be made, and then the rejection.........omg, it sits like a sharp knife twisting around in my gut.......no blood or mess, just the twisting pain churning around............and a gaping hole...............there's a hole in my heart where my kids should be..............and i just......seriously.......i don't know how much more of this i can deal with, I grieve.......all the fucking time!!  even when i am doing well and at work being busy, I  grieve........deep down inside, always.................I can put on a good front when i have to, like being at work and being around people, in general............i always have that feeling inside and have had it ongoing, for the past ten years................I feel like shit.......after going thru all the therapy groups and everything and working my hardest at being the best i can be, i learned alot about myself, some good, some bad, some disappointments.....................i'm so afraid of never seeing my girls ever again....................THAT is one of my greatest fears.....................i tried to email connie, i want to send her some money for her trip and where could i wire it to her............haven't heard anything.....................and i fear that I won't, or worse, ...................i love them both so much that it literally and figuratively, hurts.....................................i don't want these feelings anymore...................this kind of pain goes deep, thru the soul and deeper..........and i've been dealing with it for so damn long.............I'm getting tired.....and I do have a plan to cure it...............i just want some peace with them, a relationship with them..............a chance to say how fucking sorry i am that i wasn't a better mom and a chance to try again, because i have never stopped loving them..............