Trauma as "Normal"

and so, I am taking the journey, after all these years...........trauma just became my "normal" and I never knew the difference, until now.  Last night was kind of hard, I couldn't get to sleep..........i kept remembering things that happened to me in the '70s............how i had to sleep with that big scarey Indian guy because I was scared to death of him and what he would do if i refused.........marlin getting shot and that big scarey fucker climbing in the back of the car after he did it, telling us that if we ever breathed a word of it he would find us, he'd track us down to the ends of the earth and kill us..............he had been drinking whiskey all day..........i just wanted to get marlin to the hospital, thats why i went along...............he wasn't feeling well, we were going to take him to the er, but that fucker shot him..........why?   He said, "The fucker was snivveling, so I shot him."  I remember, we drove scarey guy to his prez's house so he could make arrangements to get away..........I remember hearing the shot, sitting in that volkswagon with Lydia and we just looked at each other, our eyes big as saucers............I remember hearing marlin's sister screaming.........."Oh my God, you shot him!!!!  Oh my God!!!!!!"..............after we left scarey guy, we went home and took the luggage rack off the bug and peeled every stinking one of the Harley stickers off of the car and washed it..........the police came, looking for scarey guy..........4 black and white police units surrounded the house and just busted in thru the front porch............and they knew my damn name!!!!!